Winter Olympic Fun
Ok, the Olympics are now officially upon us. Welcome to Torino, here's a shit-ton of lycra-clad Italian youths, rollerblading with FLAMES ON THEIR BACKS.
WHAT?!?! Listen, I'm all up for artistry and pageantry, but let's be realistic.
RULE #1:
Do not ask me to do ANYTHING while I'm wearing a backpack that produces fire. Especially if that fire is directed at my ass. Most especially if you want me to do this while wearing little shoes with wheels on them. In fact, let's just skip the whole "fire-producing backpack idea," in favor of "piggyback ride for a smoking-hot Italian chick." At that point, I'll be GLAD to get on the roller blades....
There's a reason we don't have the "flaming rollerblader" trick in the United States. It's called insurance companies.
In any event, the real reason we're having this one-sided discussion (diatribe?) is because my favorite winter sport is about to take center stage again, as it does quadrennially. No, not hockey, though it is definitely up there. No, not curling...though I must admit, the fact that pushing a rock with brooms is considered "Olympic" cracks me up.
No friends, I'm talking about SKELETON. (cue menacing music with light-hearted undertones...)
For those not "in the know," skeleton racing is the single dumbest sport ever conceived. It makes luge look safe. Let me break it down for you:
1) Don skin-tight lycra (yes, it's 30 below outside, do it anyway.) Oh yeah, here's a plastic helmet.
2) Grab an ice skate
3) Make your way to the bobsled track (I'm totally serious. Go on over there. Say "hi" to the Austrian team.)
4) With ice skate in hand, at edge of bobsled track, RUN DOWN THE TRACK AS FAST AS YOU CAN!
5) After about 15 feet, leap into the air, placing your ice skate in front of you. Land on the ice skate, headfirst, stomach down. (nauseus yet? I used to get a bit sick to my ol' tum laying down on a swingset....)
6) Try to remain on the ice skate as you barrel down the bobsled run at nearly 90 mph.
Are we having fun yet?
Here's a sport that was banned from Olympic competition several years ago because its not just incredibly dangerous, it's also REALLY FUCKING STUPID. But then HALLELUJAH! The sport got a reprieve in Salt Lake City in 2002. Welcome back skeleton! Welcome back stupid and dangerous sport of champions!
I had always thought the luge was the most insane sport on the planet. After all, it's basically the same sport, right? Ice skate, unprotected person, bobsled run. Wheeeeee.
But there's a key difference here: at least the luge guy is smart enough to not do it HEADFIRST. He's thinking, "Well, if I eat it in turn three, I'm gonna lose a leg. But I'll live." Not our friendly neighborhood skeleton competitor. He's thinking, "Man, if I miss turn three, the last thing that goes through my mind will be the backside of this clever plasitc helmet I'm wearing. COOL!"
With a set-up like this, you KNOW I'll be watching the competiton.
WHAT?!?! Listen, I'm all up for artistry and pageantry, but let's be realistic.
RULE #1:
Do not ask me to do ANYTHING while I'm wearing a backpack that produces fire. Especially if that fire is directed at my ass. Most especially if you want me to do this while wearing little shoes with wheels on them. In fact, let's just skip the whole "fire-producing backpack idea," in favor of "piggyback ride for a smoking-hot Italian chick." At that point, I'll be GLAD to get on the roller blades....
There's a reason we don't have the "flaming rollerblader" trick in the United States. It's called insurance companies.
In any event, the real reason we're having this one-sided discussion (diatribe?) is because my favorite winter sport is about to take center stage again, as it does quadrennially. No, not hockey, though it is definitely up there. No, not curling...though I must admit, the fact that pushing a rock with brooms is considered "Olympic" cracks me up.
No friends, I'm talking about SKELETON. (cue menacing music with light-hearted undertones...)
For those not "in the know," skeleton racing is the single dumbest sport ever conceived. It makes luge look safe. Let me break it down for you:
1) Don skin-tight lycra (yes, it's 30 below outside, do it anyway.) Oh yeah, here's a plastic helmet.
2) Grab an ice skate
3) Make your way to the bobsled track (I'm totally serious. Go on over there. Say "hi" to the Austrian team.)
4) With ice skate in hand, at edge of bobsled track, RUN DOWN THE TRACK AS FAST AS YOU CAN!
5) After about 15 feet, leap into the air, placing your ice skate in front of you. Land on the ice skate, headfirst, stomach down. (nauseus yet? I used to get a bit sick to my ol' tum laying down on a swingset....)
6) Try to remain on the ice skate as you barrel down the bobsled run at nearly 90 mph.
Are we having fun yet?
Here's a sport that was banned from Olympic competition several years ago because its not just incredibly dangerous, it's also REALLY FUCKING STUPID. But then HALLELUJAH! The sport got a reprieve in Salt Lake City in 2002. Welcome back skeleton! Welcome back stupid and dangerous sport of champions!
I had always thought the luge was the most insane sport on the planet. After all, it's basically the same sport, right? Ice skate, unprotected person, bobsled run. Wheeeeee.
But there's a key difference here: at least the luge guy is smart enough to not do it HEADFIRST. He's thinking, "Well, if I eat it in turn three, I'm gonna lose a leg. But I'll live." Not our friendly neighborhood skeleton competitor. He's thinking, "Man, if I miss turn three, the last thing that goes through my mind will be the backside of this clever plasitc helmet I'm wearing. COOL!"
With a set-up like this, you KNOW I'll be watching the competiton.
posted by StofCircumstance at 1:59 AM
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