I'm done whoring myself on online dating services

I first got involved with online dating about 2 years ago, on the recommendation of my cousin, who met his wife through such a service. I figured, if J can meet his wife, surely I can find someone to take out once or twice. Right?

WRONG

Contestant #1 was L. L was a good match, realistically. We were into similar things, held similar views on the world and politics. She loved the Yankees. We went on two dates, and then things went to shit. Apparently, L had a problem with blowing people off. Ok, ok, I had a problem with L blowing me off. We'd make plans, and she'd just no-show. Or, she'd never return phone calls. Or she'd just leave me hanging. When pressed, L was indignant, "We're not serious, you know."

Yeah, I know, sweet, but come on! All I'm asking for is a little courtesy. Is that too much to ask? Plans change? Just call me and let me know! I'm secure enough in myself and with myself to take a rain check, fer chrissake!

And then we have Contestant #4, A.

(Contestants #2 & #3 were just bad ideas....)

A contacted me because (a) she thought I was cute, and (b) because we're both living in Louisville, but originally from NJ. We got to talking, first via e-mail, and then on the phone. She seemed really cool. She seemed really nice. She said she looked like Taylor Dayne.

For those of you out there unfamiliar, Taylor Dayne looks good.

So, A and I decided to meet up at a local watering hole for drinks and pool. Another bonus point, since I love to shoot pool, and I don't mind drinking while I do it. I walk in, and there's this woman staring at me. She did not look like Taylor Dayne. She looked like she ate Taylor Dayne, and then stretched her face over her own like some Silence of the Lambs reject.

But, I was already there, and let's face it, there was nothing preventing me from having some beers, shooting some pool, and bowing out gracefully at the end of the night. You know, be a nice guy, try not to hurt her feelings? Good plan, but as we all know, execution is critical for the success of any plan.

Well, I didn't execute. No sir. I did not execute at all.

Instead of following my hastily laid plan, which would have been the intelligent maneuver, I proceeded to drink about 6 beers in the space of two hours. I was buzzed. Then, she asked me if I'd like to go get high.

It was, I believe, at this point that my brain took a vacation, leaving the controls in the less-than-capable hands of my cerebellum. Yep, the "lizard brain." My brain and I are still having problems as a result of this error in judgment.

So, we go back to her place, and smoke a bowl or two. Then, she's kissing me. Impromptu of nothing, she's kissing me. (Well, that's not fair, we were on a date.) The next thing I know, and I mean literally 45 seconds later, my pants are off, and she's singing karaoke on my personal microphone.

At this point, I'm completely flummoxed. Not that the experience was new to me, but the sheer rapidity with which I found myself in a denuded state was rather shocking. Still, I was not yet at the point of problems.

Perhaps 5-10 minutes later, she's asking me if I would like to watch some porn. WHAT!? You're telling me I can sit here, do NOTHING, recieve some fairly decent stimuli, and not even pay attention to you? Are you kidding? Are you serious? Did I win Powerball? So, being the slightly drunk and certainly stoned chap I was, I said, "Sure. Whatever you want."

Looking back, this was definitely where my brain should have kicked in and pointed out a few things. Like the fact that this woman was 6 years my senior. Like the fact that she was treating my like her own personal salt lick within moments of getting me into her apartment. Like the fact that she owned a library of erotic books. Like the fact that she was, perhaps, large enough to sustain her own moon. But no, my brain was not there; I got a postcard from him though. My brain was in Amsterdam at a sex show. That asshole's always getting me into trouble...

So, she flips on the TV, presses PLAY on the VCR, and I am immediately treated to a back-door entry sequence. My first reaction was something along the lines of, "Ok, so she likes it like that. Then, to my horror, the camera zoomed out, and the woman had a pair of testicles. A LARGE pair of testicles. Now, I'm thinking, "Why does this chick have balls?" In retrospect, I was fooling myself.

Then, the angle changed. As did the positions. Sure enough, I'm watching two men treating each other to a flesh enema.

You know, I have nothing against homosexuality. I believe that in this world it is hard enough to find someone who makes you feel complete. If that person ends up being the same sex? Fine. Have fun. Just don't ask me to watch, please. I like the ladies, some guys like guys. I've had plenty of friends in my life who were homosexual, or bi-sexual, or what-have-you. I think love and lust are wonderful things, and whatever gets the motor running is cool with me. Well, necrophilia and pedophilia are out of bounds, and I've never really gotten my head around the whole "shit on my chest, baby," thing, but I'm digressing.

Point is, I'd heard about two men in coitus. I've had some fairly graphic discussions with some of my friends about it. I'd even created a mental picture. But man! I ain't never seen it before then. To tell the truth, I'd prefer to never see that again. It looked really painful, and hairy, and...um...yeah.

So, of course, I turned the movie off. A's all in a tizzy. "Why'd you do that? I thought you said you wanted to watch a porno."

"You didn't tell me it was a gay porn."

"Oh, but if it was two girls, that'd be fine?"

"YES!"

"Well, that's gay porn."

"NO! That's PORN!"

I'd love to be able to say that the evening ended there. I'd love to be able to say that I gathered my scattered clothing and left. Really, that's a great way to end this story. But, then, I'd be lying if I said that. No, I spent the night with this woman.

Like I said, my brain was in Amsterdam at a sex show. What was I supposed to do?

And that, dear friends, is the last online love connection I'm planning on making. This shit's just too damn weird for me.

I called it on 9/11

No doubt about it, everyone remembers where they were, and what they were doing on 9/11. Hell, I don't even need to mention the year anymore, do I? Nope, that day has become my generations "Where were YOU when Kennedy was assasinated?" I sometimes wonder if comments like that last bit trivialize the impact of 9/11 on America, and Americans.

Then I remember how 9/11 REALLY was, at least in Bloomington, Indiana.

Let's just get this right out: that day was so shocking it shut my brain down for about 3 days. It took me that long to get in touch with my friends and family in NYC and NJ, and until I knew everyone was OK (well, not everyone...), I couldn't even come to grips with the tragedy.

I still can't look at pictures of the Towers. I just can't. I guess there are a lot of people like me, in that respect.

But I'm not here to write about 9/11, or the Towers, or the $2.99 Wal-Mart patriots out there with the plastic flags hanging off the windows of their cars, "United We Stand" bumper stickers festooning their vehicles. No, I'm not going to go into that rant; I've done it before, and I'm tired of that particular level of bullshit.

Thing is, around 2:00 on 9/11, sitting with some friends and trying to get a grip on myself, I remember the conversation we had while watching CNN. D remarked how this didn't sound like the act of a bunch of cowards (which many of us agreed with, and Bill Maher echoed hours later.) Then, I remember thinking, and saying, how 9/11 was going to be the best thing that ever happened to George W. Bush's Presidency. I remember telling my friends that when Bush came up for re-election, I wouldn't be surprised if someone got on TV and suspended elections, for the sake of National Security.

"My fellow Americans," it would begin, "due to the Justice Department's sure knowledge that terrorists plan to disrupt voting in the coming Presidential Election, we are hereby suspending national elections for the duration of the crisis."

Sure, you're thinking I'm a conspiracy nut, right? Well, I wasn't entirely serious when I put the idea out there, nearly 3 years ago, but since then, I've been taking a real close look at what our government's been up to. Especially recently.

DISCLAIMER: The following is going to look like a conspiracy theory. That's because it IS a conspiracy theory. However, I am not a left-wing loony-toon, neither am I currently under psychiatric evaluation. Nor am I insane or a paranoid. I simply see things, hear things, and have put them together in this manner.

Here's the thing: Tom Ridge announced recently that Al Qaeda is supposedly planning to "disrupt" elections in November. HOW? WHY? And what, pray tell, could ANY terrorist really do to disrupt elections on the national level? Blow up EVERY polling site? How about half of them?

Realistically, absent such mammoth undertakings, the polls are as safe as they've been since we stopped allowing partisans in the building years ago. It sounds to me like Phase 1 of "Operation: Scare the Voters."

What are we supposed to think? Sure looks like we're supposed to be SO SCARED of VOTING this Fall that enough people won't show up to vote, which would then pretty much hand Bush II the election.

Hey, if there really is a clear and immanent danger, why not just make everyone vote via ABSENTEE BALLOTS?

Then, the other day, our friendly CIA chief decides to step down, pre-empting his termination over the intelligence failures which "allowed" 9/11. Of course, the Bush Administration has been fingering the CIA for 2 years now on this, and refuses to accept any culpability for the attacks. The CIA is also apparently at fault for telling the White House Iraq had WMD, when it didn't.

So, with the elections "in jeopardy" we have lost the top spy in the country, and there doesn't seem to be too big a rush to replace him. Does there? Thing is, George T. was a good man, a Clinton man. Me? I think he saw the way the wind was blowing, saw where this Administration is going, and opted out. If he'd wanted to tag along with Bush and Cheney, they would've spun this differently, mark my words.


So now, we've got election worries, and no head of the CIA. Plus, we already know that everyone in Bush's administration with the slightest bit of integrity won't be back. (Poor Colin Powell...) Bush and Cheney (or should I say Cheney?) are lining things up right now, and I worry about where this is going. I worry that Tom Ridge will keep popping up on TV, telling us about how the Department of Homeland Security has learned Al Qaeda plans to bomb polls in fifteen states, but they don't know which polls, specificially. I worry that a National State of Emergency will be declared in October, just in time for the World Series. I worry that Bush will be President again, until he just decides to take over.

Look at the Federal judges he's installed. Congress is certainly backing him up with WHATEVER he wants to do. By next year, we'll be installing AT LEAST 2 new Supreme Court Justices (if Bush wins, how "conservative" will these people be?)

To me, it sounds like the United States is headed for some serious trouble. Things keep on like this, and I might consider Canada.


This rant was brought to you by the number 69, and the letters, L, S, and D.