I'm hungry...

I'm hungry. It's two o'clock in the morning, and I am completely famished. I'm living in my parents house for the past month or so (a visit which is, at turns, enjoyable and interminable), and these people have NO FOOD IN THE DAMN HOUSE.

Allow me to be completely clear on this point:

I am fucking tired of low carbohydrate dieting.

Sue me. Hate me. Revile me. Tar-and-feather me. But please, PLEASE get some fucking bread and pasta here, pronto. I think I might waste away...

Would it be so fucking hard to have a bag of pretzels? Or some crackers? Maybe, and I don't want to start a revolution here, but maybe some cookies? I am not on this stupid, and ultimately-it's-got-to-be-unhealthy, diet. Thank you.

You know what my dining choices are around here? If you said Canadian bacon, steak, and a whole fucking mountain of salted cashews, you win a prize.

Prizes will be awarded at the sole discretion of the author, who has no prizes to give, nor any conceivable method of actually getting such a prize to the intended recipient.

Now, at two o'clock in the morning, a lot of people are probably thinking, "Fuck it, man, it's late. Go to bed." Yeah? You ever tried falling asleep when you're hungry? It's easier to pass a fucking kidney stone through that little hole in the end of your prick. Well, perhaps that's an exaggeration...

You might be wondering why I don't just by some groceries for myself? I'll tell you; I tried that. Didn't work. Neither of these diet-mongers could handle the Temptation of food that actually might have carbohydrates in it. They ate everything. Let me get this straight: Jesus can walk the desert without food and water for an extended period of time, and then, on his last breath, tell the Devil to take a flying leap instead of accepting some bread and water from him? And my parents can't handle a bag of Rolled Gold? Thank the old G-D we're Jewish.

Zen Happens